Crushing Complications – Part 1 – Mine

2 06 2010

Ok …what are the complications….lets start with mine….

 From the time I was young, I have always had a distrust of men….mind you…this is the first time I am truly speaking about this…. I do this because I think it is very important and relevant to my crush situation.

Any how,  at a very young age, I was molested on several occasions (typical) by a very trusted  family member and a family friend…..before you start crying for me…I was one of the lucky ones….these molestations were light compared to some…in that there was no penetration (not for lack of trying)….but there was a lot of shame involved on my part….I also witnessed my father be a adulterer for most of my life…  Screwing with the minds of so many women…. It made me think they were weak…and I did not want that to be me. I then watched my brothers grow up and be the same way…..so I was determined not to be that woman that I saw them leave crying on the doorstep or begging and pleading with them not to go…  So …while most little girls dreamed of their fantastically outrageous wedding…. I made up in my mind I did not want to have any thing to do with men…I did not want any relationships, no falling in love no crushes or anything romantic…..I did however want to experience sex at least once and I did want children, I had planned to adopt 12.  At the age of 13 I did develop a crush….on Michael Jackson…but who didn’t….he was the only man that I was willing break my vow for.

This plan worked for me up until I was about 30.  By this time I had 1 biological child, so the sex thing was covered, more than once or twice….and I had already adopted 2 babies…so I was a single mother of 3.  I had dated several guys….never allowing myself to get attached or emotionally involved.  I had even had 2 marriage proposals…..both I turned down… I was not in love and did not want to be….until I met Raphael (not his real name …just sounds so cool)….he changed my heart and my world…and then he crushed it…. He was not the one for me….he was married and although he did leave his wife for me….I turned into that weak woman I did not want to be….so I had to walk away… was hurt and again determined not to go down that road again.

Ten years later, (oh no….now you know my age)…here I am…and this time I don’t even know how I got here….with Raphy…I saw it coming…we talked, dated kissed fell in love….with gorgeous it was just one day he was here and the next …those eyes, that look, I was in love….it was like one of those clichéd movies you see on TV…and not my life….but  as I write this and sit back and read it….Oh My God…it is my life…I am the big screen hopeless romantic with the crush on the guy net door…. We know what always happens in the movies….the girl always gets her man….will this be my reality…or will our issues hold us back from our one true love….I am sure I will talk more about my issues later….and tomorrow I will tell you his….so what do you think….should I tell….. We will see….

Goodnight Gorgeous.

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